What doesn't kill you will make you stronger?

First thank-you to everyone for all the recent positive feedback regarding my blog. Your encouragement has been amazing and I hope that I can continue to hold your interest, teach you something, and create an understanding that we've all "been there". Working moms walk the road not traveled by prior generations and we do it well. (I've promised a few of you to write more often - so here is my written oath to attempt every other night as you have requested)

So....on with the blog

This past week I have found myself in tears. Although it isn't unrealistic to cry when we are loosing a loved one, sometimes crying is a hard thing to do. I spend all day long at work being strong for patients, having an open ear and a shoulder to cry on. At home I wipe noses, put band-aids on boo-boos and kiss away the tears. So when it's my turn to cry sometimes its hard to let down my guard and be human.

As I struggled with these emotions this week I remembered another time in my life when I was pushed to the max of my emotions. They say in the military, superior officers push the newly enlisted to make them stronger. In many careers people follow this mentality and the medical field is certainly not exempt. As I've mentioned before the atmosphere in the operating room is very unique to any other place I've worked or spent time in (this includes restaurants, retail, home health care, daycare, schools, town offices).

The operating room, like the military has a hierarchy. You do not speak unless spoken to. You do not move unless you can do so in an invisible fashion. As a medical student you are expected to stand on stools and reach around surgeons to hold instruments imperative in the operation even though you probably can't see what you're doing. Until you've held a retractor open for two to three hours without resting you cannot appreciate the forearm strength that is required. All the while the surgeon is likely telling you to move left, or right or up or down and I guarantee which ever way you move will be wrong.

One day while working with a "seasoned surgeon" he handed me the instruments to close the operation. I was certainly taken by surprise but knew better than to hesitate. As I took the instruments and started to proceed with the closing stitches, he said to me, " Do you think you can do this properly?" "Yes Sir". "I doubt it" he replied. No answer from me. As I finished placing the end of the stitch he leans in and pulls the stitch out, taking the instruments from me he proceeds to place a stitch into the wound explaining his reasoning behind the exact placement of stitches for optimal healing. He then hands the tools back to me for another attempt. Now smart girl that I am, I am able to see the holes he had made in his demonstration so I precisely start the suture in the exact holes he had made with the "perfect placement". Again, he pulls out my stitch. Wasn't I paying attention? Didn't I do any reading on this? Lots of degradation as I start for the third time a simple stitch in a very small operative wound. This time he doesn't pull the stitch out! "Am I making you angry?" No answer. "Are you getting frustrated with this?" No answer. "Did I hurt your feelings? Are you going to cry?" At this point I look up from my work and inform the surgeon that, "nothing you say would make me cry in front of you". Now notice I said in front of you. I finished the closure, took care of the patient and left the operating room. After retreating to the locker room, I CRIED. I cried because I take pride in myself and my work. I was certainly frustrated by the belittling and my ill attempts at achieving perfection.

I'm not sure if this made me a better doctor which is what that surgeon would say to you in justification for his behavior. I don't think it has changed or improved the kind of physician I am today but maybe it helped me to control my emotions, to be able to stay tough when I needed to be. It was certainly one of my most challenging training rotations.

So today when I cry over the loss of an amazing physician, mentor and friend of mine I do so without guilt. Somewhere during my journey as a physician and a mom I have learned its okay to be human even if its hard for some of us some days.


"believe in your dreams for all dreams can come true"
-dr. mom of 4